My weight is not the issue...YOUR weight is!!!

So, Upair lost four kilos and now he is over the moon. Losing four kilos means:

A. He can now sleep late, without feeling guilty about having missed his morning walk.

B. He can now officially vouch for bread and cheese spread dinner, ‘coz that’s what he was having throughout this “dieting” phase.

C. He can finally dream of fitting into his old jeans one day.
And

D. This is his favourite part- he can tease me endlessly for not having lost weight.

Now while I am completely ok with A, B and C, it is the point D that worries me. This is because I have few points of my own. These points might be obvious to all humans, but just humour me, I am going to make you read through them, anyway.
So here are the reasons why point D bothers me (And just so that this intellectual discourse does not confuse you too much, I am going to number these points with numbers and not alphabets. Yeah, I am very sweet that way.):

1. I am in no hurry to lose weight. I am not that overweight. Besides, if I can really put on lots of weight, people will think I am pregnant and I will get seats everywhere. Bus, restaurants, taxis, hospitals- make way for Ida! Of course, it is not good to exploit people like this. That is why I advice you folks not to put on too much weight and act pregnant…unless you are pregnant, then it is totally alright, but if you are really pregnant just don’t use the same bus I do, I WANT THE SEAT! And since I don’t have any scruples, I do not mind others thinking that I’m pregnant!

2. I am not ready to give up junk food. I think this is what Upair basically wants. I think he feels jealous that I gorge down all the delicious goodies while he is stuck eating pears and apples. Should I succumb to his selfish manoeuvres? I think not, I have too much character to fall for such self-centred tricks. I love my junk food and no way am I going to let it down.

3. I am in depression. As any normal woman who is married will tell you, depression is the normal state of married life. And the best way to get over it? EAT! Upair, of course, is depressed too, but by depriving himself of the comfort food, he is making his condition worse. I, on the other hand, am improving. Not that I am not depressed anymore, at least I have food to cheer me up.

4. When Upair starts teasing me about my eating habits, I start noticing my figure and in the process I notice my clothes. And then I notice that the clothes don’t fit too well. And then I start thinking that I need new clothes that compliment my new “figure”. Then I want to go shopping. This means expenditure for Upair. And at least somebody here (me, me, me!!) is trying to be a good partner and not trouble the other too much. So, here I am, making sacrifices for him and he dares tease me!

So, this, in brief, is the reason why I don’t like point D. But there is no stopping Upair. So, there is only one thing I can do- make all the food that he craves and then feed him and stuff him and make him put on the 4 kilos he has lost. That way, I can live in peace again. *EVIL GRIN*

PS: Just realised I managed to offend the overweight, the obese, the men, the married and the pregnant. Any sections I have not offended yet will soon be covered, so wait your turn and be patient.
PPS: The above was just a joke and I apologise to all I might have offended.
PPPS: Maybe.
PPPPS: Maybe maybe.
PPPPPS: Maybe maybe maybe.
PPPPPPS: Ok, I’ll stop now.

UPDATE: I have deleted my rant files blog. You can find those and other posts now at: http://idagoingnowhere.blogspot.com/