My weight is not the issue...YOUR weight is!!!

So, Upair lost four kilos and now he is over the moon. Losing four kilos means:

A. He can now sleep late, without feeling guilty about having missed his morning walk.

B. He can now officially vouch for bread and cheese spread dinner, ‘coz that’s what he was having throughout this “dieting” phase.

C. He can finally dream of fitting into his old jeans one day.
And

D. This is his favourite part- he can tease me endlessly for not having lost weight.

Now while I am completely ok with A, B and C, it is the point D that worries me. This is because I have few points of my own. These points might be obvious to all humans, but just humour me, I am going to make you read through them, anyway.
So here are the reasons why point D bothers me (And just so that this intellectual discourse does not confuse you too much, I am going to number these points with numbers and not alphabets. Yeah, I am very sweet that way.):

1. I am in no hurry to lose weight. I am not that overweight. Besides, if I can really put on lots of weight, people will think I am pregnant and I will get seats everywhere. Bus, restaurants, taxis, hospitals- make way for Ida! Of course, it is not good to exploit people like this. That is why I advice you folks not to put on too much weight and act pregnant…unless you are pregnant, then it is totally alright, but if you are really pregnant just don’t use the same bus I do, I WANT THE SEAT! And since I don’t have any scruples, I do not mind others thinking that I’m pregnant!

2. I am not ready to give up junk food. I think this is what Upair basically wants. I think he feels jealous that I gorge down all the delicious goodies while he is stuck eating pears and apples. Should I succumb to his selfish manoeuvres? I think not, I have too much character to fall for such self-centred tricks. I love my junk food and no way am I going to let it down.

3. I am in depression. As any normal woman who is married will tell you, depression is the normal state of married life. And the best way to get over it? EAT! Upair, of course, is depressed too, but by depriving himself of the comfort food, he is making his condition worse. I, on the other hand, am improving. Not that I am not depressed anymore, at least I have food to cheer me up.

4. When Upair starts teasing me about my eating habits, I start noticing my figure and in the process I notice my clothes. And then I notice that the clothes don’t fit too well. And then I start thinking that I need new clothes that compliment my new “figure”. Then I want to go shopping. This means expenditure for Upair. And at least somebody here (me, me, me!!) is trying to be a good partner and not trouble the other too much. So, here I am, making sacrifices for him and he dares tease me!

So, this, in brief, is the reason why I don’t like point D. But there is no stopping Upair. So, there is only one thing I can do- make all the food that he craves and then feed him and stuff him and make him put on the 4 kilos he has lost. That way, I can live in peace again. *EVIL GRIN*

PS: Just realised I managed to offend the overweight, the obese, the men, the married and the pregnant. Any sections I have not offended yet will soon be covered, so wait your turn and be patient.
PPS: The above was just a joke and I apologise to all I might have offended.
PPPS: Maybe.
PPPPS: Maybe maybe.
PPPPPS: Maybe maybe maybe.
PPPPPPS: Ok, I’ll stop now.

UPDATE: I have deleted my rant files blog. You can find those and other posts now at: http://idagoingnowhere.blogspot.com/

Actually stuff I wrote, as I did not want to work, read it only if you don't have any work...

Been reading and re-dreading without a single word ACTUALLY entering my brain. The topic? Horse grams! It is for my website: http://www.vegetablebuzz.com. You may click the link at your own risk, ‘coz this website is boring. Unless, you are really passionate about vegetable, gardening, cooking…the works. There, you have it, a disclaimer.


I have a friend, you know, a real good friend, the sort who can insult you and still be your friend? Well, she is that sort and she told me she tried going through my website and “Kitna boring hai bhai!” (A rhetoric in hindi “How boring is it?”…the bhai part is brother, but as she is not my brother and I am not her brother, that adds no meaning to it…except maybe serving as an equivalent for “dude”…but we are not here to learn Hindi grammar, are we? Let’s move on already…)
After getting this amazing compliment I have stopped directing anyone else to my website(Except you guys, but it did come with a disclaimer, so don’t complain…please, I don’t think my little heart can tolerate any more insults) I will just secretly add material to it and when one day it becomes THE WEBSITE. The website that is the last word on vegetables and I am declared the undisputable veggie queen, we’ll see who has the last laugh…grrr….seriously, I don’t see that happening- EVER. When I use up the time allotted for the website to write into my blog, there is only one future I can see for it- and that ain’t too bright.
But I promise myself I will go back to it and write the most fun articles in the history of vegetabledom…but first, lemme take a break to refresh my brain…
Went to Coimby yesterday… “What, again?” you ask. True, I should not torture my poor parents this often with my company…but my sis is pregnant and my MIL had to go “see” her, you know, “see” as in take kilos of sweets and snacks for her. Lucky neighbours! ‘Coz try as I might, I cannot imagine my sis eating all the stuff and even if my entire family put heart and soul into it, they would not be able to finish it all…so who benefits? The Neighbours. Besides I don’t think my sis will have vacancy for even a tiny food morsel after all the food my mom has been stuffing her with!

Being a pregnant lady in India is not easy, I will tell you that – after having seen my two sisters and a sister-in-law go through the torture of motherhood (shhhh…please don’t tell my MIL, my mom won’t mind, she knows I am deranged and doesn’t take anything I say seriously. MIL has not yet discovered this…I hope…) I am sort of a second-hand expert. First they are made to eat everything that they hate- from ghee, to sweets, to milk, to eggs(proteins, proteins and more proteins)…of course with all the proteins come fats, but moms are blind to this and continue forcing their daughters. And if that is not enough, they also eat everything they crave- because a pregnant lady’s cravings should not be ignored, plus they have to eat all the stuff that anybody who was ever pregnant and delivered a normal baby suggests. And this is just the tip of the iceberg…
But kidding apart, I am sure Indian women who are pregnant get the best treatment ever, they are treated like queens…but I guess when you are pregnant you are just too frustrated to notice…it is only after delivery, when sleepless nights take over and she turns into a veritable milk van, and the hubby suddenly becomes rude again that she actually looks upon her pregnant days as “those glorious days”.
So, the point I am trying to make is that, I have only experienced pregnancy second-hand and don’t know jack-shit about anything, so if I write this there is no reason that this is how things are…and since you wasted your time reading through this blog and could not come out with anything of value here’s a huge hug (((((HUGS)))))…
I am now crossing my fingers, hoping that I have something better to write tomorrow and that you’ll come back again- with all the hug bribe and all- and are not TOTALLY put off by the crap I wrote today.
Thanks: )

Post about Delhi and food..and , um, food, and... well...mostly food and that's about it...

Today is kinda breezy outside…it is just like the Holi season in Delhi, except that there are no kids on the rooftops, just waiting to throw water balloons, eggs and anything else that is liquidy(I know there is no such word..) or gooey at you and there are no uncles standing on the rooftops waiting to ogle at young, wet dames…I mean there are uncles, but as there are no young, wet dames around, they do not have much to ogle at, their best bet would be to pray for it to rain, I mean, had I been a desperate uncle, I would be praying to Indra THIS VERY MINUTE!
The climate outside makes me really miss my Delhi days, sigh!…We would go out walking everyday and in every season with just one mission- FOOD!
We were an odd group- diverse culturally- two Punjabis, one Haryanvi, one Telugu, one Tamilian, one mallu raised in Orissa and yours truly, another mallu, raised all over India…and yet there was one thing that brought us together, one thing that kept us toghether through stress, fights and heartbreaks, the one thing that was a common passion- FOOD! (I mean that was kind of obvious, wasn’t it? Did all my senti nonsense fool you people into thinking that I was going to write about something serious???)

We would walk down the roads- out first stop would be for some HOT vada at “Madras Cafe”, which was nothing more than a glorified parapet sheet supported by four bamboos, right next to the open drainage providing additional delight! The best ambience ever…as you inhaled the excellent smell of the drain, you ate oil-rich vada and were entertained by the live mosquito orchestra…which would occasionally eat a bit of you, or occasionally form a part of you food intake, such SYMBIOSIS!

Up the street, the next stop would be Agarwal’s…here I just had to have the “protozoan water balls” as my sir called it, also known as “golguppa”, “pochka” or “pani puri”. They were again served next to the open drain and as the day progressed, the number of germs in the golguppa proportionately increased. I know the stuck-up ones reading this might be crinkling their noses, but you do not know the true India. I mean, we live for the street food- hospitals, stomach upsets, typhoid, cholera, diphtheria, malaria, jaundice, dysentery etc are just things you learn to live with…I mean, you would die anyway, who would want to die without having first tasted such delights? Street food is good ‘coz:
a.You prove your love for the culinary traditions of the country
b.You improve your immune system by exposing it to the ruthless world out there
c.You help a man (or woman, let’s not be sexist here…) earn a living
d.You once and for all establish the dominance of The Tongue over all other systems of the body
e.Your boring walk to any place becomes instantly interesting
See? And this is all that I could think up right now, if I thought some more, I am sure I’ll find more points. But coming back to Dilli days…Agarwal’s was also great place for hot jalebis, gulab jamuns, bread pakodas, samosas, mathri, kachori…. the list is long…

We would then stop at a bakery-Duke’s- yes the hoity-toity ones sitting there can at last exhale in relief…we are now on “clean grounds”. Here it would be Kathi rolls, rum balls, truffles, burgers or whatever caught our fancy and then we would head for a juice shop to wash it all down with a shake….
I mean, how can one concentrate on studies, without a little something in the tummy?

I realize I have a whole list of places still uncovered… have I made you hungry yet, or should I go on???? Forget it, let me go grab a snack….bon appetite y’all.

My template is like my husband...

Dear Diary,

This is what I did today:
I decided to change the template of my blog, because even though it is good and all it is too perfect to reflect the real "me".
Then I searched a million(419,000,000) websites and selected templates that reflected the real me.
Then I tried the new templates to see how they looked, only to discover that I would lose my widgets if I tried a new template.
So I dug through 49,100 pages for "how to save followers widget when changing template" And learnt how to do it from http://bloggersentral.blogspot.com/2009/04/keeping-your-widgets-when-changing.html
Then I thought of trying it on my blog.
But then I stopped myself because, I realized that this template is just like Upair. It might not be exactly what I wanted, it might not be my carbon copy, but I have grown to like it for what it is. I am used to it, and it is lovely in its own way...so dear diary, I guess I will stick to this.

Ida.

Sneezing through history....

‘Ello peepillz, as we say in Kerala, I am back!! Had a really fun time in Coimby and mom’s food was as delicious as ever (I mean, I know, all kids say their moms cook well but my mom REALLY cooks well!)
Came back on Sunday, I know, I know, I could have posted yesterday, but I was being the lazy bum that I am something really important came up. So, I thought better late than never and started typing this post.
I had the most terrible cold in the history of humanity on Sunday but that did not stop me from going out with Upair, so that I could get fodder for this blog of mine. See the sacrifices I make for you guys…I wouldn’t be surprised if Pope wants to Beatify me (Sorry, I have no clue how the beatification process goes, but I am pretty saintly, I really am, but I am not insulting the saints here, it is just that I think that Pope might think so, I can think right? Btw, do they beatify one for sacrificing? And don’t tell me you don’t wish to be a saint in your heart of hearts…all those TV serials being produced in your name, tourists coming to your birth place and what not…C’mon, be honest…)
So, anyway, we went to this Museum in Thevara called “Kerala Folklore Theatre and Museum”. It was truly El Superbo! (Yeah, I am not happy killing English, I have to try my hand at other languages). It is a private collection of this person who also trades in antiques. The entire place takes you back to the age when people had time in their hands and art was really an art and aesthetics were held supreme.

Right from the gate, to the fan, to the displayed objects, you can find history speaking to you. There are antique masks and musical instrument, statues and paintings, a huge collection of lamps and ornaments. Each piece of work is a story unto itself. The lady who was guiding us was helpful and even though I was sneezing throughout, she did not once show disgust, heh!heh! I tried my best to keep my mouth shut, but being the fountain of wisdom that I am, I had to comment and ask questions throughout….hmmm… I wonder why she was paying more attention to Upair than me, I mean a few intellectual questions from Ida, what could be more welcome than that?
Of course, the entire place is not old, they have AC and switch boards, that couldn’t have been antiques (unless there was a genius who created AC in the past but because he was ahead of his times, he was given no attention and AC was finally created by whoever it is we credit creation of AC with. Highly possible though it is, the AC s in this museum did not belong to that genius and he, till date, remains unknown…sigh!), have been well disguised to look old. Like, there is this wooden statue-like thingy covering the switchboards and the AC looks like the cabinets from olden times. I wish I could have taken pictures but photography inside was “strictly prohibited”. But Upair did get a few shots from outside…so, once again let’s thank Upair.(All rise, say “Thank You Upair”, now sit.) But anyway, since I have not taken any awesome shots of the inside, you will just have to imagine that the place looked awesome…
Most of the collection is from South India, though they do have Chinaware and Portuguese stuff…which came from the days of trade relations and/or colonization.
So, if you were in Kochi with say an hour to kill, this would be a nice spot to hit.
I did sneeze all over the place, but I am sure I did not infect any area because I use a handkerchief. So you can go there feeling pretty safe.
Wellllllllllll ta-ta for now, more coming soon….byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

A few pics from the website...'coz they would not let us shoot inside!

The Kochi blogger remains the Kochi blogger and the world continues to be a happy place...

Kochi- home sweet home

Coimbatore- home sweet home too....

Yippppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I am going home- Coimbatore- tomorrow (I call Patna, Delhi, Pune, Chennai, Alappuzha, Kochi AND Coimbatore my home, but that is another story, for another day- lucky you!!!)
Coimbatore is where my parents decided to settle, close enough to Kerala- from where they originally are but not close enough for relatives to constantly pester them…pretty clever, eh?
I have a cousin who recently moved to Kochi with her hubby and she decided to opt for a place in my area- she has an uncle in this area too and she decided that staying close to relatives (her uncle and Ida plus their respective families= loads of people!!) might be a good idea- poor soul, she really has a lot to learn, doesn’t she??? Especially if she is staying close Ida, she will get “special” lessons in life that she never needed, and I have so much of unnecessary info that I am just waiting to share, she would be ideal!Yeah, I am pretty benevolent that way…
She has no idea what she is in for…this is going to be fun!!!!!
But anyway, before I got distracted with the possibility of making my dear cousin’s life interesting (which is a pretty distracting topic, but what to do…I have other things to write, sigh) I was saying that I am going to Coimbatore…maybe I must change my name to “the Coimbatore blogger” for a few days, except that I would not be there for more than 3-4 days and then I will have to change back again to “the Kochi blogger”, and I do not know if I will be blogging from there, so it could all be a waste of time. Besides which, it is also possible that somebody else wants the name “the Coimbatore blogger” and if I use it, the person would be deprived of the name…plus when I want the name “the Kochi blogger” back, it is equally possible that someone else might have wanted the name, seeing how great a blog “the Kochi blogger” is set to become (ok, you people can wipe that smirk off your faces…), and this person may STEAL MY BLOG!!! And then I will have to kill the person to get back “the Kochi blogger”, (yeah, I saw Terminator Salvation recently) which is of course mine, and what if the person doesn’t like the idea of being killed and is a psychopath who just does not understand that my life is more precious than his? That could be really messy….. what I am basically trying to say is that I am saving the Coimbatore blogger, the future Kochi blogger and all of us a lot of trouble… “AND YET AGAIN, IDA SAVES THE WORLD”!!!!!!!!!!
So, while Kochi is sure to be mourning my loss for a few days, Coimbatore is waiting with bated breath (is bated breath the term I am looking for? Hmm…not sure, but you get the drift…)
So, as I face the prospects of a few days of unadulterated, mummy-cooked food-o-maina, an unleashed fest of gluttony...let me smile that enigmatic smile of mine and say…see you people soon with reports from Coimbatore…and remember, I will still be “the Kochi blogger”, and NOT the Coimbatore blogger, ok?

Ida becomes a visionary and preaches religion(which one??)

You know, I have been typing this post like billion times, and each time it JUST DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT, ok, so you guys will just have to forgive me...I have just resigned myself to my fate- this will not be a great post(don't you DARE suggest the others were not great either, I know how they were, but a woman can give in to occasional fantasies, can't she?)
Been bed ridden for past two days...just before I fell ill I told my hubby dear that I had a feeling I was going to fall ill...he is so used to me falling ill that he now hardly reacts when I say something like this...time was when I just had to sigh and he would be hugging me and consoling me and time is now when I would be lying in bed, unable to move a muscle, he would just look in and say "do you think you can make me a coffee..." humph!
So, as predicted, I fell ill...another prophesy comes true...these days everything I say comes true...I had placed a plate of milk in front of our cat and predicted that she would drink milk and guess what? she did...I had predicted that it will rain, and it did, when I predicted that it won't, lo and behold! it didn't(of course that is how monsoons in Kerela work, but why are we even discussing this topic?)..
So you know I have this feeling that my prophetic vision is getting stronger by the day...maybe I should start doing this professionally, like Nostradamus ...but wasn't he like killed or something? Let's not try Nostradamus then, maybe I can be "Mata Ida" or "St. Ida" or "whatever-you-call-god-people-in-other-religions Ida" That would be neat, eh? Being agnostic myself, I might just have to bumble my way through things, but hey, who doesn't? And with my prophetic vision, it really does not matter...
So, what do you guys say? Who wants to join me in the most profitable business ever??Limited seats only... Free predictions for first few entries...Hurry...offer expires soon...

PS: Yes, I am writing this in a totally "high" state with all the medications, I dedicate this masterpiece to my doctors!!

We love the things we hate about each other...but what we "really" love is to sleep

So, our marriage is now officially one year old. Yesterday was our first wedding anniversary....and all Upair has till now to show of it is a few months of continuous headache, a few (like 3-dozen-a-day....pretty low, right) acidity attacks, a teeny- little potbelly and that's about it...I mean, no prescriptions for Prozac or Xanax or any other fun stuff all other married couple have!! I know, I am pretty slow...but months of headache, I can't be ALL bad at this "being wife" business,huh?
I know he often has tears in his eyes, but that must just be the joy of living with me, right?
The basic problem is that his idea of ideal wife is this




And I am more like this

(I don't know if I am allowed to use these pictures, but hey, whoever owns this, you must understand that you are contributing to a great cause- explaining to the world what I would never have been able to in words, and besides I have given links to your site, so you get free back links and you must be happy, but if you would still want me to remove it...just write in...)

So, anyway, now you know what lies at the crux of a happy marriage- a husband who has so bad a headache that he cannot notice what's wrong with his wife anymore and a wife so ill all the time that she is beyond thinking about anything but sleep...

Therefore, you can safely say that we "slept" our way through one full year of married life...others might tell you that you have to communicate...that is true, you MUST talk, but not to each other...my hubby talks to his cars and gadgets, I talk to random strangers on the internet...see, perfect harmony...

We went out to The Rennaissance yesterday(the name of a Hotel and not a theatre group)...I was dissapointed to find that the waiters there do NOT dress up like Rennaissance artists and they do not have brush-shaped forks and knives and verses of poem printed on the tablecloth....does nobody have a sense of theme anymore??? But seriously, the place looked great and the food was even better and I would reccomend it to anybody who loaths bland food, 'coz the food there is anything but bland...

We are both like seated in this romantic table and I am all thinking about how in-love we must look and Upair actually says the most romantic thing he can say, he calls me "Mandi"(Something equal to an Idiot in Malayalam, but in a sweet way)..yeah, coming from Upair, that's high romance....so now I am all over the moon and can't stop all the love that is flowing out of me....we finished dinner, went for a leeetle drive, came back and slept...slept, seriously, that was us after one year:) Still surviving.....

Kochi- "K" is for Konfusion!!!!

Infopark and Smart city vs "veragu adippu" (stoves that use wood as fuel), women's liberation vs drunkards who beat their wives up, lastest mercedes cars vs buses that want to run you down, Yadav bhelpuri vs Best Bakery, scorching heat vs endless monsoon, ....A city of paradoxes, to say the least. I have been here for a year now and cannot decide whether I hate it or love it.
May be love it cause there is so much of scenery, maybe I hate it because there is too much garbage lying around,
May be I love the strong independant women, maybe I hate the submissive attitude they have towards the men,
Maybe I love the lovely,lovely walkways, maybe I hate the way too narrow roads,
I love some food, I hate others too....
So as you can see, I have a very messed up opinion of this place. As I discover more of life in this city, maybe my thoughts will get clear, but then again, maybe not...
Anyway, it is something write about...
And that's all that counts...or maybe not...????